Today would of been our 36th wedding anniversary. My daughter texted me this morning and said " 35 is not shabby". She is right. I was fortunate in so many ways. I was fortunate I had a spouse who stood by me through 27 years of illness. Which is why it was all the more surprising that he was the first to go.
I have had six months to learn quite a lot about myself.
I am a resilient person.
I have been through ups and downs with health and his death was the ultimate worst.
I have learn't to handle people's shock, with matter of a fact reality. Yes it is tragic but, we have to go on as best as we can.
I have learn't to hate the expression " You're doing so well". It is mean't well but I feel it also implies I should be looking like death warmed over on a daily basis. I have days where I feel like hell and that is when my daughter gives me a swift kick in the ass text to bolster me.
I have learn't it is okay to scream out loud I hate that you left me when I am alone in my house. I have a friend who does the same thing only she yell's " I hate that you left me with this damn cottage". I told her " I would rather be left a cottage than a business that I did not run".
I have learn't that only I can find my happiness and determine what is best for me going forward. Or what I call the new, new whatever the hell that means.
I have learn't that you do not need a year to make decisions after the death of a loved one. It took me all of two months to realize I don't want all the extra room nor do I want to keep on paying someone to mow the lawn or snow removal.
I learn't that although we all know people, who have lost a spouse. I really did not get it until it happened to me.
I learn't that good friends stick with you though thick and thin. I was amazed that all the women I worked with 25 years ago all took the time to send me a card or come to the funeral. That bond is still there. I still don't want to join the annuitant club but I know they are there.
I learn't it is okay to have a sense of humour.
I learn't that after not going for our annual month in Florida fearing it would depress me. I would of been just fine on my own in Florida.
I learn't that somehow that HR advisor in me. Is still in me despite hanging up my hat years ago. I had to drag it out to deal with our employees.
I learn't I do not like the expression " It is not the same without him from employee's". Or "everything is changing too fast". Part of me wants to say " yes dear welcome to my world", I never would. I know I am not him. I don't seek to replace his memory I am only trying to continue to give them jobs.
They say in life that adversity makes us stronger. I don't know if it is adversity or just trying to be the best person you can be under difficult circumstances by continuing to go on.
My life have been altered, retirement plans we made together never came to fruition. So I embrace the good memories and try and get through another day.